The hardest thing

Today, H dropped me off of work along with Saya, my 3 year old daughter. Throughout the entire ride, Saya kept whining about how she doesn't want me to go to work and just "go to the park" with her. As a parent, it just breaks my heart when I have to leave her every morning. I spend the remaining free time I have trying to study these past few days and it has definitely had an impact on Saya. She is starting to sneak into our bed more often at night and nursing more, which at times can drive me absolutely insane considering my lack of sleep. To make it even worse, she hugs me every morning and wouldn't let me go to work. Let alone, this is a regular 40-hr work week I'm talking about and I'm already experiencing the pains of not spending enough time with my child. I'm definitely having some doubts about starting my medical career at this moment. I wonder if she's ready for it yet.

Additionally, we are going through some major financial troubles at the moment. My research position is at stake due to low funding and H hasn't been able to secure a decent paying job in the past two years. It's depressing because I can't go back to school even if I was admitted into school this year. And considering my below-average MCAT practice scores, I'm just going to wait it out another year. In the meantime, I'll study as hard as I can but take care of myself and spend a little more time with Saya. Hopefully by then H can find a job and our financial future will get right back on track.