It's 6 am in the morning now, nearly 5 hours since I fell asleep last night. I don't want to be up this early but I'm shaken from a very bad nightmare. This so-called nightmare started out like any normal day of mine: I'm with a classmate, looking for a place to study. We're driving around, looking for a suitable spot. As I'm walking to some random cafe, I ran into an old friend. She is currently a resident for family medicine, one of the very first friends I've ever had and the one individual I could say has encouraged me to pursue this career.
We exchange small talk at first. She is strikingly skinnier, but not in a good way, because her face looks pale and wrinkled, with abnormally sunken eyes. As I asked her how her life has been going, I'm horrified by the storm of information I've just learned. At first, it was: "Oh work has been rough." Then comes: "Well, I've been diagnosed with some strange form of horrible eye cancer......My loving husband of X years couldn't deal with it, so he cheated on me and left me...He left me to tend for our 3 year old daughter.... [and the final straw for me]....my mom thinks it's my fault and doesn't support me." I guess the way I'm wording it here sounds nowhere near as organic, but conversation with her seemed so real. I just felt so much pain for her because she was the kind of person who time and time again would talk about how blessed she was to have this picture-perfect life. To have all of that taken away by a tragic life event... The thought of it horrified me; I woke up in tears, contemplating giving this friend a call. However, I refrain because it's so early in the morning. Perhaps I'll send her a kind text message instead.
After waking up, I realized that the dream may have been initiated by an article I read last night. It is written by a doctor about his experience with his dying wife. http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-bach-2014-5/ I was moved to tears by the article, I felt motivated to continue working/studying hard so that I can become a wonderful doctor to my patients. Yet at the same time, it makes me wonder: where is that fine line between sacrificing yourself to this profession, so that others can live a meaningful life, and allowing yourself to enjoy your life the way your patients to enjoy theirs? Here I am, about 3 hours away from my daughter and her father. Although I'm surrounded by awesome friends, there are times when I get really down thinking about how much happiness I've denied these 2 most important people in my life. However, school is kicking me in the rear so badly that I border on dropping out of med school when I do see them on a more regular basis. I wish I was smarter so I can see them more often. I tried and it didn't work. It's 1 more week of medical school and I don't feel quite as adjusted as my peers. At this moment, I feel as though I need to rediscover the peace inside of me; to regain my courage so that I can beat this monster. Fortunately for me, this monster is just med school. I can do this. *fighting*
