Yesterday, while I was having dinner with my sister, she suddenly asked me "Well, V what are you studying for anyway?" I responded that I'm going back to medical school but asked her to refrain from telling my mother for fear of her getting her hopes up that I will be a doctor one day. And then she replied,"Well, what's wrong with them having their hopes up for you? Right now you seem hopeless to them. And not just mom, but dad too."
You know what, that really really breaks my heart to hear that. Despite me living on my own and having little help from them raising my child while working on my career, my parents still think I'm a lost cause. I know that parents want the best for you. I can see their good intentions. But there are just moments when I want to cry inside because I realized long ago that no matter what I do, my parents are just never truly happy with the person I've become unless I am everything they want me to be. And I can't be everything to everybody. I'm not perfect. I remember days when I used to live at home, I felt as if I'm constantly battling myself. While other college students get to dorm at school, get crazy drunk, or go to school abroad, I had to come home and cook dinner for the family. I got bitched at several times by my father while studying late at school for midterms/finals. I know my life was never really as miserable as I'm portraying it to be right now, but there were definitely moments when I just wanted to feel less burdened.
I think many kids of asian parents can sympathize with me. It's bad for those kids whose parents constantly nag at them to become doctors when they have absolutely no desire to, but even for me, who had every desire to "help" people and loved my science classes with a passion, that nagging was a turn off. I always wondered if I really wanted to become a doctor only because my parents try to engrain that thought in me. I was idealistic, you can say. I developed my own values and goals beyond just pleasing my parents and it was a part of me that rebelled against the notion that being a doctor meant having it all: the money, the works, the family, prestige. No, I realized early on that those were superficial reasons and anyone going into this business is destined to be disappointed. I chose to wait, to "find" myself, to live whatever's left of my youth before I decide that medical school will take all or most of it away. I know parents want their children to be the best that they can be, but my parents just aren't really good at conveying those types of expectations for me. Yea, I got a lot of potential. But then I'm young. But what if I become a rich famous but miserable doctor? Would they still go about bragging that their child is a doctor? I hate that my parents can't see beyond the figures. I hate that they go bragging about how other people's children are more successful than me when they have NO IDEA what those kids actually do. I hate being called a failure and hopeless; it makes me feel like a child. I just felt like everything I wanted to be or aspired to as a child ("Oh look you're an artist, but you're too dumb for school"; some early dreams of theatre were just crushed also) were crushed, rather than encouraged, by my parents. I know I'm whining. But I'm just frustrated. I just need to remind myself that this is my goal and no one can touch it now.
I know it's kind of bitter of me to say this, but I sure hope my parents are happy when I do get into medical school. Cause that may mean I'll move away and miss more of those family get togethers they love to have (my father used to yell at me for missing these things even when I had to work those days...imagine how that made me feel).
I guess I'm so enraged by the fact that ever since my daughter was born, they've never viewed her as anything else but an omen to my life; something that has ruined every hope of me succeeding in life. On the contrary, I haven't been happier. Granted there are times when I'm frustrated that life hasn't worked out exactly the way I wanted to, but I need to get over that. I love my daughter and she is the most amazing thing that has happened to me and I can't let a little brush with my parents take that away from me. I have to be strong for her. I have to do it for myself.
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