Of Love and Loss

Today, I mourn for a friend. Specifically, my best friend's father has recently passed away. Her brother had passed away a few years earlier and it just crushed my heart to know that it's all happening again: the feeling of loss for a loved one. I haven't been to many funerals but J's funeral was really difficult to swallow, simply because he was at the prime of his life. Mr. C has lived a somewhat prosperous and long life but it still pains my heart to know that we have lost an extraordinary individual to the inevitability of life.

I think about it every time I question my goal for medical school. Should I submit the next few years to "misery" and near-poverty? Is it all worth it or should I be enjoying my life? Yet somehow, my decision has been more firm than ever. As much as I want to say that I believe in God, there is a side of me that truly believes that when we die, we're just gone. Our atoms go back to the earth and the world moves on. Everything that I know, that I feel, that I believe in, goes away when I die. I know it can be unsettling at times. I feel like I'll never come to terms with the fact that we all have to die. I can only pray that I will live at least as long as Mr. C so that I can have as many family members or people to pass my love and knowledge onto. But somehow, it's feeling this uncertainty about life after death that makes me more committed to my career. Why? Because for the first time in my life, I want to leave behind a legacy. I want to prove to my daughter that life is more about making the most of yourself than just living in a comfortable and driving nice cars. There's so many things wrong with this world and I know that I can't fix it all, but I've tried my best to push myself. No more second guesses at yourself V. No more half-assed attitudes and wishy washy dreams. They will all become a reality the moment you say so.