Sacifices

It's 6 am in the morning now, nearly 5 hours since I fell asleep last night. I don't want to be up this early but I'm shaken from a very bad nightmare. This so-called nightmare started out like any normal day of mine: I'm with a classmate, looking for a place to study. We're driving around, looking for a suitable spot. As I'm walking to some random cafe, I ran into an old friend. She is currently a resident for family medicine, one of the very first friends I've ever had and the one individual I could say has encouraged me to pursue this career.

We exchange small talk at first. She is strikingly skinnier, but not in a good way, because her face looks pale and wrinkled, with abnormally sunken eyes. As I asked her how her life has been going, I'm horrified by the storm of information I've just learned. At first, it was: "Oh work has been rough." Then comes: "Well, I've been diagnosed with some strange form of horrible eye cancer......My loving husband of X years couldn't deal with it, so he cheated on me and left me...He left me to tend for our 3 year old daughter.... [and the final straw for me]....my mom thinks it's my fault and doesn't support me." I guess the way I'm wording it here sounds nowhere near as organic, but conversation with her seemed so real. I just felt so much pain for her because she was the kind of person who time and time again would talk about how blessed she was to have this picture-perfect life. To have all of that taken away by a tragic life event... The thought of it horrified me; I woke up in tears, contemplating giving this friend a call. However, I refrain because it's so early in the morning. Perhaps I'll send her a kind text message instead.

After waking up, I realized that the dream may have been initiated by an article I read last night. It is written by a doctor about his experience with his dying wife.  http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-bach-2014-5/ I was moved to tears by the article, I felt motivated to continue working/studying hard so that I can become a wonderful doctor to my patients. Yet at the same time, it makes me wonder: where is that fine line between sacrificing yourself to this profession, so that others can live a meaningful life, and allowing yourself to enjoy your life the way your patients to enjoy theirs? Here I am,  about 3 hours away from my daughter and her father. Although I'm surrounded by awesome friends, there are times when I get really down thinking about how much  happiness I've denied these 2 most important people in my life. However, school is kicking me in the rear so badly that I border on dropping out of med school when I do see them on a more regular basis. I wish I was smarter so I can see them more often. I tried and it didn't work. It's 1 more week of medical school and I don't feel quite as adjusted as my peers. At this moment, I feel as though I need to rediscover the peace inside of me; to regain my courage so that I can beat this monster. Fortunately for me, this monster is just med school. I can do this. *fighting*

PS Revisited

Ah...the infamous personal statement. Well, here's my nth attempt at writing it. I think the thesis of my personal statement this time is to highlight how my multitasking abilities makes me want to become a MD. Here it goes again:

There is a popular saying that the "jack of all trades is a master of none." I have spent the past ten years of my life searching for an exception to this meaning. It may be a symptom of being the middle child and the second sister of four kids, but for as long as I can remember, I was always an overachiever. In grammar school, I entertained myself with knitting club, running the newspaper club, drama club, chorus, monitor club, and winning science and history fair competitions. In high school, I participated in the National Honors Society, scholastic bowl competitions, volleyball, peer leading, soup kitchens, co-lead two ethnic clubs, and performed in talent shows and dance festivals. In the four years I spent in college, I managed to complete two science majors, a minor, complete my pre-health requirements, research commitments, and a job as a lab technician at the local hospital. As exhausting as this list may be to read, I just want to point out that it was more exhausting in experience. Life was never boring, but I did reach a point where I just pulled the brakes on life and asked myself,"Why am I doing all this? What is my purpose?" That point was when I graduated from college. I questioned whether my love for science and medicine was a genuine desire and not just a result of my overprotective stereotypical Asian upbringing. I went to X Univ with a desire to pursue the career path of a doctor and I left it with the uncertainty that becoming one would help me address all of life's answers. I really had no clear idea what the f*** I wanted to do with my life.

I just wanted to be happy, and happiness is subjective.

So going back to the Jack's trade conundrum, I decided to pursue a "life-changing" experience that would help me settle down on this career thing, potentially a stint in Africa with the peace corps or something. It turns out that life never really works the way we imagine it to. Instead, my life-changing experience came in the form of a beautiful baby girl named Saya. By the time Saya was born, I had already acquired enough experience to deem myself "exposed" to the medical industry. For two years, I worked as a lab technician, mainly performing phlebotomy procedures for inpatients and ER patients at the local hospital. Despite the low pay (we were paid $5 below the median pay for phlebotomists) and the crazy work-load (I had between 30-70 requisitions per shift), I really enjoyed the fact that I had a chance to meet people of all walk of life. Unlike in retail and business, there is a sense of respect, camaraderie, and dignity that is exemplified in the the healthcare industry. Having spent the last few months as a pregnant lady working in the ER, I also experienced some very dangerous situations, but the experiences never scared me from working in health care.

However, I also knew, for a long time, that I had to move onto something better. Considering the birth of my daughter, I wasn't ready to go back to school, emotionally or financially........

Of Love and Loss

Today, I mourn for a friend. Specifically, my best friend's father has recently passed away. Her brother had passed away a few years earlier and it just crushed my heart to know that it's all happening again: the feeling of loss for a loved one. I haven't been to many funerals but J's funeral was really difficult to swallow, simply because he was at the prime of his life. Mr. C has lived a somewhat prosperous and long life but it still pains my heart to know that we have lost an extraordinary individual to the inevitability of life.

I think about it every time I question my goal for medical school. Should I submit the next few years to "misery" and near-poverty? Is it all worth it or should I be enjoying my life? Yet somehow, my decision has been more firm than ever. As much as I want to say that I believe in God, there is a side of me that truly believes that when we die, we're just gone. Our atoms go back to the earth and the world moves on. Everything that I know, that I feel, that I believe in, goes away when I die. I know it can be unsettling at times. I feel like I'll never come to terms with the fact that we all have to die. I can only pray that I will live at least as long as Mr. C so that I can have as many family members or people to pass my love and knowledge onto. But somehow, it's feeling this uncertainty about life after death that makes me more committed to my career. Why? Because for the first time in my life, I want to leave behind a legacy. I want to prove to my daughter that life is more about making the most of yourself than just living in a comfortable and driving nice cars. There's so many things wrong with this world and I know that I can't fix it all, but I've tried my best to push myself. No more second guesses at yourself V. No more half-assed attitudes and wishy washy dreams. They will all become a reality the moment you say so.

My big break and updates on premed preparation

Sigh* I swear there is not enough time for all the blog posts/product reviews/food recipes that I want to make out there. Whhhy is life so short?

I had a bad day today but since I've been doing a lot better lately, I thought I'd remind myself how good life is right now. Let's just say that H and I have caught our big break. He got a job. Yay!! And it pays really well! Super yay! Not to mention, he works at my hospital...super duper yay!! Everytime I think about it, I'm so elated because now I don't have to worry about how I'm going to feed my family when I am in medical school.

My life was in the dumps during the summer. I lived in a roach/mice infested rundown apartment with barely any running water and an apathetic landlord that would never fix anything. On top of that, my job was at stake and my car's ac was broken during the blistering summer. I was ready to leave H unless he got his sh** together and get a job (just any job).

When summer ended, he was interviewed at the hospital where I work at and now he landed a very sweet job as information systems analyst, which is exactly what he went to school for. It has almost been two months since he works there and I am really digging the commute. My previous 3 hrs daily commute using public transportation was cut down to 30-1 hr. It made waking up in the morning so much easier.

However, I still find it challenging to fit in studying throughout the week. At most, I get about 24 hrs of studying done so far, which is down 6 hrs from what I think would make a huge progress in my scores. I am behind in my schedule, but the last practice exam that I took wasn't so bad. It went up 4 points from the first exam, so I'm hopeful that it will keep going up after every practice test (notice the word hopeful).

On second note, I also found a study buddy! He was introduced to me by one of our grad students. He also works at my hospital, so we get together during all weekend to study. We make a great team because he's really good at the physicals sciences (which I love but reek in) but sucks in verbal reasoning (which I love), so we are using each other to evaluate our strengths and weaknesses. Studying has become so enjoyable because now I don't feel so alone and I have someone to force me to wake up early weekends and study.

This whole nontrad premed experience is becoming a lot more enjoyable, to say the least. I recently asked my bosses for some time off (last two weeks and some Wednesdays). First one is totally supportive. I assume boss #2 is too, but we will see.

My life is slowly falling into pieces. I think I've gained a lot of confidence throughout these experiences and I hope that it shines through on the test day. :)

Ode to Composition

Oh composition, how I hate thee.

What do you call a poem that is dedicated to something you HATE? If there isn't word, I will invent it here. It's called a "lode" (with the "l" from "loathe").

I think I am creative but for the death of me I'm just a terrible writer. I remember the first full-length practice MCAT I took I could barely finish the introduction when the 30 minute timeout for the essays came up. It's probably also because I realize that I am not a really good writer. It takes me forever to compose a paragraph. (Somehow I have the word processor to blame for that). I have tried writing outlines, but somehow in the midst of writing the paragraph for my outlines I have a change of ideas and I have to revise the outline again.

So here I am, in the middle of writing the 3rd paragraph to my personal statement and I'm in a deadlock. I decided that rather than wreck my brain around coming up with the next best sentence, I am just going to go on here and rant. Maybe something good will come out of this (probably not).

Anyhow, I'm back to square one about why I think this doctor thing suits me sooooo well. Let's face it. Doctors aren't the most important people in the world. I realize that. So now I have to make a convincing argument about why being a doctor is so important to me (after all I am the most important person in my world...ok I'll leave this tidbit out...lis). I'm better with technical writing, so I'll try to outline those reasons here:

1. LEARNING - scientists learn, engineers learn, what kind of learning does doctors do that appeals to me? well, doctors are associated with a generalist type of learning. Even when they are specialists, they still need to possess knowledge of all workings of the body so that when they see something out of their scope of knowledge, they may have some ideas about who to refer the patient to. Also, I think that doctors have to communicate more with patients than scientists and engineers do so there's an emotional learning involved too. (Actually, that scares me even more than the knowledge stuff).

2. COMMUNITY - doctors can make an impact in society by providing their services to the underserved. (other professional careers that I have considered my not score very high in this field).

3. FLEXIBILITY - doctors' schedules are somewhat more flexible (or less boring) than someone who works a typical 9-5 job (aka accountant)

4. COMFORT - stable career = comfortable life + scrubs = plenty of physical comforts

Giving myself an extension

So who was I kidding? When I made the decision last August to take the exam by this August, I assumed that it would give me enough time to apply for medical school. Boy was I wrong. This parenting/working/studying thing is tough. I find that when I can't be good at all, I had to make a decision about being good in at least two of these things and I chose family and work. This week I find out if the RO1 project that is funding my position will get renewed. Actually, we're just getting scores and often, scores can tell a lot. If we get a good score and the project gets funded, I get to keep my job. If not, then my boss may still be able to give me a part time job for another project. It just sucks big time because I still have so much to complete in the lab before I move onto the next stage of my life.

This may also be the week that I find out if H gets a job. What a crazy week. Interestingly, he got a job interview for an IT position at my hospital. The interview seemed to go really well, according to him, but you never really know nowadays. Sometimes, it's just a matter of luck.

I made the decision to push my test date back to January or February. By then, hopefully I'll have more MCAT prep up my sleeve, some articles with my name, and a prehealth committee from my college to back me up. I think I would have an excellent chance of getting into the schools in my region. I also pushed back my test date because I will have no source of income when I go back to school if H doesn't find a job soon. I think I was getting too stressed out by tackling all these things at once and it was making miserable and sick all the time.

H really needs to step up in life. He needs to start helping out in the house more, do some cleaning and cooking for once, or at least make money to feed us when I go back to school. I'm taking this time off from my goals to help him achieve his, so if he doesn't deliver within the next year, I feel compelled to leave him. I know it's sad that we have a daughter together. I don't know if I have the courage to leave him because she loves him so much. But at the same time, I can't bear all this weight on my shoulder; I deserve so much better I can't believe it's taken me so long to realize this. I don't know....I guess I'm just having one of those moments...

Personal Statement Draft 4

Ok, so I've written 3 different first drafts of my personal statement already and I suddenly had the itching to come to this website and blog another random potential personal statement. It's 2 am in the morning. S peed on the bed, which awoke me from the unintended slumber that was supposed to be replaced by diligent studying on organic chem. Well, that's another story. For the theme of this personal statement, I chose to focus on my reasons for becoming a doctor, rather than highlight what career-related experiences I've had.

Here's my first draft:

I would be lying if I say that I did not want to become a doctor to "help" people but for the prestige or money. Wanting to help people was all that I wanted to do for the past four years since I have graduated with my bachelors from Loyola. At the time, I had done most of what typical premedical students needed to accomplish. I took all the prerequisites, volunteered at a local hospital, conducted some research, and even gained industry experience as a lab technician at a hospital. I took whatever humanity course I could that related to healthcare and even read some interesting books on healthcare and the practice of medicine. However, I held back from applying for medical school because I had not resolved the two things that really matter: my desire and confidence to become a successful doctor.

How ironic is it now that after having learned as many drawbacks as I can about a medical career as a doctor do I still want to become one?

THESIS: I made the decision to become a doctor because I feel that there are many aspects to this career that suits me.

-I am a generalist.

I am a multiskilled individual with many interests that are split between scientific and artistic interests. I love puzzels: scrabble, sudoku, crossword puzzles, programming, physics concepts. On the other hand, I am a domestic queen: I enjoy cooking cuisines from many regions (panasian, Latin American, American classics, African). I am a multicraft hobbyist: clay sculpting, knitting, crocheting, pinata making, beadworking, and drawing. However, when I think about it, my scientific and artistic pursuits will help me excel because being a doctor has much to do with art as it does with science.

-->The science of medicine: rhetorical; being able to combine multiple knowledge and come up with a diagnosis or treatment plan

-->The art of medicine: understanding that all decisions made by doctors or (perhaps should not) be based on scientific facts. Like artists, doctors will often have to defend the value of their work to others ( patients, politicians, insurance companies) and doctors have to possess the ability to absorb deep emotions (dealing with constant failures, drawbacks, personal loss, hope).

I realize that if I can pull an all-nighter making wedding pinatas for my friend, I can deal with the stress of having to work odd hours to care for people who are in need. Those are sacrifices I've learned I can live with.

DOCTORS HAVE A HIGH IMPACT SCORE:

Every career has an impact factor. The difference between pursuing a creative or clinical psychology career and a medical career was the impact scale. I realize that while being creative was "nice", it was something that I wanted to reserve for myself and those close to me. It is much more difficult to make a difference in someone's life. As a clinical psychologist, I limited the type of clients I could see. Growing up in a poor and diverse neighborhood, I wanted to make my services available to the poor and uneducated. I want my skills to be universally accessible, so that is why I decided I want to be a doctor. Additionally, more doctors than psychologists are needed.

I LOVE LEARNING

I am a self-professed nerd.I made the most of my education by filling as many classes as I could every semester. I am not the smartest person I know but I enjoy studying (when I have the time), being able to solve some mysteries with a better scientific understanding, being able to see how things come together, experiencing the gratification of solving really difficult homework problems. These personal preferences made me realize that I may not find medical school as miserable as portrayed. They also made me realize that I want to pursue an MD/PhD or MD/MPH degree because I cannot imagine a medical career without research.

I chose to become a doctor because I realize that it's a career that requires life-long learning, not in just the sciences but as a human being. As a parent, I have grown in ways that made me realize I can be a successful doctor.

1. Understand that I will never be quite prepared but my best. (This made me realize that I can cope with failures, ie death of a patient.)

2. Realizing that I have as much to learn from your patients (children) as they do from me. (I enjoy interacting with patients)